October 21st 2010, the very first time I felt the love as a parent. The timeing wasn’t right, the situation wasn’t right. I cursed, I cried, I smiled and laughed. This was something I always longed for something I was always fearful I never would experience, and then I was so scared because it just wasn’t part of my plan.
I wanted to be married before having children, hubster and I were only dating for a little over a year at this time. This wasn’t our plan, but this was our child! As scary, and exciting as it was there was no doubt in our minds this was our child our beautiful baby that we created out of love.
We decided that we would have a small intimate wedding dinner with our immediate family and closest friends. We planned on telling our families after our first ultrasound, hopping that a picture of the baby would ease the blow that we were having a child out of wedlock. (We are oldschool like that lol) we had it all planned out. The excitement grew as my tummy got a little bit tighter in my clothes and I felt that queezy feeling that I’d become more familiar with later on.
Friday November 5th 2010, we had a fun filled weekend ahead of us. Hubster and I both had the day off so we can get the first ultrasound of our baby, then off for wedding festivities for a very dear friend who was getting married the next day (I must add that I was the worst MOH ever in the history of maid of honors too), and then that Sunday we were going to sit down with our families and break the news that we were going to have a baby and we were going to be getting married in a few short months.
Well, that’s when I knew the true heartache every parent fears. As the doctor moved the ultrasound prob all around, we saw on the screen a perfect little baby, but something was missing. She switched it to a color flow ultrasound so you can see blood flow, there was nothing. No heartbeat, no movement, nothing. My baby, the baby I loved more then I’d ever know possible, was dead. My body had yet expell (ugh is there any better way to put it) Naturally miscarry I guess. My heart was broken. The pain is indescribable, to this day it still hurts and probably always will.
We went through the rest of the day in a haze. We met up with my friend and I did the best I could to put on a happy face and celebrate with her that happiest day of her life. After all the wedding festivities hubby and I went back to our hotel room and I cried, I cried like I’d never cried before. This was the moment I truely understood the full love as a parent. I didn’t get to know my baby for very long. Only a matter of weeks. I never knew if they were a boy or a girl (although in my heart I always knew this was my girl) I never felt her kick or move, I never had the chance to hold her.
We broke the news to our families on that Sunday, I think that was one of the hardest things to do. Tell our families that we were pregnant but not anymore, oh yea and still aren’t married, but plan to. Since then we did get engaged, married, and have had three more pregnancies, with two beautiful boys! Our other two children are in heaven watching over the BrothersDunne keeping them safe and healthy.
After experiencing four pregnancies two healthy and two losses. Knowing the huge amount of love a mother can possibly have I can’t help but think. . .
How much love does it take for a parent to give their child to another family?