* This post was written a couple of weeks ago, in the meantime a whole lot has happened and changed, so this will be written in several posts*
I had an interesting day the other day. A couple weeks ago I got hit with a whirl of emotions I thought I’ve dealt with and moved on from.
It was a hard, stressful, emotional week as it was. I actually told my sons pediatrician if his flu swab came back positive they needed to admit me for psych. It was just one of those weeks. I received an email from Ancestry “You have a Match”. The message just said “I see we are related, how are we related?” Hmmmmmm. Now that’s weird, the site actually tells you how close you are, I have something crazy like 800 4-6th cousins lol.
So, before answering it I decided to do a little of my own research. From scoping it out a little I could see this was a very close, biological, relative of my BM. I decided not to do anything just yet.
That night I got a call from BM. She wanted to speak to me before I heard it from anywhere else. Now, remember I am a secret, no one knows about me. She did tell her child my younger half sibling, and they are currently dealing with the shock of it in their own way. She is fearful to tell my older sibling because she had put them up for adoption as well and isn’t sure how they will take the news that they have a half-sister 1.5 years younger. Which I get, and respect.
Any-who, after trying to convince her family members that I was her daughter and she told them her story, she said they were ecstatic and wanted to know me and know when BM would be in the area to have me meet the family and so on.
Wow! This is something I didn’t really ever prepare for. I have a family, I’ve never desired to have another family. I’ve always been open to friendships with BM or BF and I’ve always wanted to know about siblings and maybe/hopefully form a relationship. But, extended family?!?!?!?!
This just never crossed my mind. And they are happy! They want me! It’s a warming feeling to know there’s this whole other family that wants to know me.
Then … I feel guilt, because I have my family, we don’t see each other as much as we would like, nor are we as close as I would like. Mainly due to logistics, I don’t live close to majority of my family, and frankly I’m flaky and I am terrible at initiating anything. I’ve been writing the blog for months, it’s public, I don’t know who’s readying this or not. I would never want anyone to think I was trying to replace them or whatever might cross their minds. I love my family, every last one of them!
But ,why should I feel guilty for wanting to know more, and learn about where I came from biologically. I shouldn’t, is the logical answer. But the emotional one is I do, my search doesn’t just impact me, it impacts the people I am closest with as well. So if you are reading this and you ever wonder where my head is at regarding my family, I love my family I wouldn’t change their crazy ways for anything. I have a world wind of emotions regarding my adoption, and the information that is coming out.
After speaking to BM for awhile she told me that I can do what I please with my message. I can respond, I can tell them to leave me alone, she is supportive of how ever I want to handle it. Which was very kind and I was so grateful. See, she’s a plane ride away while the rest of the family is a little more local, it would be nice to at the very least talk to them. I decided to sit on it for a day or so and see where my head was at. The next day I decided I would write back, letting them know that I spoke to BM and if they wanted to chat I’d give them my email.
Another unexpected thing happened, they withdrew the initial message . . .
Logical: Most likely it was withdrawn because it was a little, forward. They didn’t know who I was and thought a different scenario then an adoption. Or after speaking to BM they wanted to give me a little space, or wait till she and I physically meet before pursueing. There are a million logical explanations to this. I work off logical 98% of the time
Emotional: They don’t want me.
^^^ That’s right! This has been lingering in the back of my head for days. That one hurts. I knew diving into my adoption my insecurities could come back up. I knew I could be opening up a can of worms I didn’t want to. But my focus has ALWAYS been on mother, father and siblings no one else. Mentally I have been prepared to be turned down and pushed away from them. But the thought that I had another extended family, and they wanted me! Well that fills my heart.
I don’t care who you are, you want to feel wanted. Isn’t that what we all deep down inside want, to feel wanted? I know I do, I always have, and it’s a hard thing to let me feel this way. I have always had that feeling of loneliness, or abandonment in a sense. The abandonment I worked through, so I thought, the loneliness is an on going battle.